15 Aug That Last 2%
I thought I had made a true decision. I even found myself taking small steps towards it. And then I stalled. I have a pervasive fear of doing the wrong thing. Not following “what’s true for me.” Making choices out of fear instead of love.
In fact, I had even convinced myself it was a true decision because someone else mirrored what I was feeling. It MUST be true and it MUST be real if the calling is so strong someone else felt it for me too. And it is true and real, but…
“The decision has already been made,” my mentor always says. “You just have to connect to it.” And that’s what I thought I did. But it’s come to my attention, that I haven’t quite really. There’s that 2% going “…but really tho?”
2%! I mean, I can’t quantify that precisely, but that’s the number I felt was missing from my decision being 100%. You’d be surprised how much power there is in 2% (no socioeconomic pun intended). That last 2% is the one that grips to the sides of the diving board just as you’re about to jump. It’s what sabotages a perfectly good opportunity so you have someone else to blame should things go wrong. Or “should everything go to shit” as I recently admitted to another mentor.
When most people speak of responses, they talk about Fight or Flight. There’s a third response: Freeze. Yes, like a deer caught in headlines. That’s not my insight, I learned it in a group coaching course a while back because that’s the response that came up for me when something arose that my mind wasn’t ready to address. I don’t love when this response pops up in my storyline. If I were to respond with Flight, then perhaps I get enough distance and can have a bird’s eye view of the situation and reassess. If I responded with Fight, then I’d at least feel like I’m doing something. Even if I “choose incorrectly,” I can course-correct. But Freeze is actually quite annoying.
Freeze is where I start to overanalyze things. When I make pros and cons lists, and somehow everything just balances out. Damn, 12 pros and 12 cons? Freeze is when I tell myself that I don’t know what I want, but really I do know but don’t quite believe it’s possible for me. Freeze shows up in looking at that too-long and overwhelming to-do list and opting to take a nap instead of tackling one thing at a time. And on the flip side, it comes in the form of busywork that somewhere deep down I know is nothing the best use of my time and efforts, but it feels like action so it can’t be all wrong, right?
Freeze, in my opinion, comes from not fully committing. From that last 2% that doubts even if the rest of the 98% is sure. It comes from not having a big enough vision to overshadow the fear. When the desire to succeed is not yet stronger than the fear of failure. I think I just need to get clearer on my vision. Not clarity in the sense of plotting every single step along the way. There has to be room for grace and flow. I mean clarity as in truly connecting to my desired outcome. Knowing and believing it’s possible. Not only possible, but it’s ready and waiting for me to pass 98, then 99 and reach 100%.
I believe there are people that can be at 98% and still move forward. They may even be at 90% and take the leap. I probably know a few that are happy to jump at 50%! But some of us need 100% in order to move. And I’m learning not to judge that. My process is my own and comparing what I did to what she did and he did isn’t going to get me anywhere. I know that when I fully commit, things happen as if by magic. At least that’s been my experience with most things. So when I feel stuck, I know there is an opportunity for me to find that 2% that might be holding me back… which of course is sometimes easier said than done, but is always a learning experience.